Twilight My way
by Pinefresh65
Summary: Twilight, only the characters have had their personalities and flaws twisted, warped and amplified until Bella was insane, Edward was paranoid and Mike... well... he wasn't the lucky one... Not recommended if you think Twilight/ Ed has to be perfect. ON HIATUS
1. The Nightmare Begins

**IM NOT GOING TO SAY THIS EVERY CHAPTER, SO HERE IT IS: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT**

**QUICK NOTE: I know that no one in this fic is in character, but that's just how I work, I warp the characters and make them my own. **

**Btw: I have used a few songs in here, just to help develop the character's personalities. The names of the songs will be at the end of the page. Sorry if it makes the fic cheesy.**

**BELLA POV**

"Hey, Mum?" I looked up at her; we were at the airport waiting for the Phoenix-Seattle plane. I had all of my luggage and my cactus at my feet, but I couldn't really carry it…

"Yes sweetie?" She looked down at me.

"Why am I wearing a straightjacket?" I asked her, gesturing towards the white jacket covered in buckles that they had forced on me earlier.

"Because of what happened last time someone touched your cactus, honey." Oh yeah… Poor Jimmy…

**FLASHBACK**

"This is my cactus! His name is Mr Prickles! I love him very, very much!" The 7 year old me stood at the front of the class, grinning like an idiot. "Thank you for listening!"

"It's our pleasure, may God bless you…" The class droned after every show and tell. I sat back down, Jimmy, who was sitting next to me said "It doesn't look dangerous at all! I bet I can touch it without dying!" then he reached over and poked Mr Prickles.

Worst mistake of his life.

"BACK AWAY FROM MR PRICKLES BITCH!" I jumped in between him and the cactus, protecting it. I grabbed the nearest solid object, which just happened to be a jigsaw puzzle piece and turned towards him. I saw the fear in Jimmy's eyes, but I didn't care, no human was to touch Mr Prickles! "KYYYAAAAAAHHHHH!" I jumped towards him while still holding the puzzle piece.

**1 hour of 2****nd**** grader slaughter later…**

I stood above what was once Jimmy, now hardly breathing with a considerable amount of his blood coating the traumatised onlookers. "EEEEEWWW! BLOOODDD! GROOOOSSSSSSSSS!" I fainted.

James is still in hospital, a machine breathing for him.

**END FLASHBACK**

"Flight departing in five minutes"

"Oh! Better get going honey!" Mum told me. She attached my luggage to one of the buckles on my straightjacket and shoved the pot that Mr Prickles was in into my mouth. I ran for the plane and managed to get on just in time after tripping into a few sharp objects convieniently placed in the middle of the plane for some reason.

**AT SEATTLE**

I tripped off of the plane, the cactus still in my mouth, I grabbed my luggage and met Charlie outside near his car, combing his moustache. "Oh! Umm… hey… Bella?" He looked at the cactus wedged in my mouth and the straightjacket. He muttered something and opened the door for me. I got in the car and Charlie started driving to Forks.

"Hey… Bella?" Charlie looked my way, he looked scared.

"HHHNnnnyyyeeeeeeesssSS?" I smiled at him, showing my teeth, gums and anything beyond that, most likely the remains of the complimentary airline peanuts.

"I… I got you a welcoming present! A second hand car!" He smiled, looking nervous and scared.

"WHAT? NOOO PRESENTS! NO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAHHHGGGHHHH!" I screamed and flailed, propelled by the force of my own grief at the idea of getting a car. I bashed my head against the glass, cracking it, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was at Charlie's house, it was raining, surprise! I was in my room lying on the bed. I looked over and saw Mr Prickles.

I grabbed Mr Prickles and started conversing with him.

"Oh Mr Prickles! Its soo depressing here! My life sucks oh so very much! How will I ever survive here! I'll never make friends! IT'S NOT LIKE I CHOSE TO BE HERE! Oh, right… I did choose to be here… but why? DUN DUN DUNNNN!" Then I fell asleep.

**THE NEXT DAY**

"_I wake up in tha mornin' feelin' like wine-house_" I shoved the covers off of my bed, singing a random parody I found on youtube.

"_Grab ma breezer, im out the door, im gonna be really loud!"_ I slid down the hallway in my socks playing the air guitar, despite the lack of a guitar in the actual song.

I fell over and got a massive splinter from the floor impaled in my forehead.

"_Yeah, I don't care who I piss off, im a real big sinner!"_ I slammed Charlie's bedroom door open and started jumping on his bed, despite the fact that I was spraying blood everywhere.

"_Sometimes I eat my dessert before my dinner!"_ I screamed the last part in his face, spraying him with saliva and blood.

"Bella, honey? Just PLEASE go to school!" Charlie begged me.

"Okie-dokie artichokieee!" I screeched in his face and ran downstairs to get ready for school.

**IN THE CAR**

I started singing and driving to the best song in the world, sadly, driving to the song (a metal one) was making me speed and swerve all over the road, hitting a few puppies on the way.

"_THE BASS! THE ROCK! THE MIC! THE TROUBLE! I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK JUST LIKE MY METAL!"_

I screamed the words to the song while playing it on the CD player, head banging, my hair flying everywhere, blinding me, ensuring death for many innocent humans.

"_WITH THE BASS! THE ROCK! THE MIC! THE TROUBLE! I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK JUST LIKE MY METAL COS I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP! IN A MINUTE, MINUTE! IN A FUCKING MINUTE! I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP, IN A MINUTE, MINUTE… IN A SECOND!"_

As the chorus started, I slammed my foot on the gas and started jerking around violently, killing more than just puppies, still head banging and screaming the words so loudly that I couldn't hear the beeping noise telling me that I didn't have my seatbelt on AND that I was speeding.

"_I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP! DON'T MAKE ME HIP LIKE BAD-ASS! I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP!... SHUT! THIS! UP! CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP! DON'T MAKE ME HIP LIKE BAD-ASS! I CANT WAIT FOR YOU TO SHUT ME UP!... SHUT! THIS! UP!"_

I slowed down a bit…

"_Oooohhhh… la la la… Ooooohhhhhiiiooohhhh… la la la… __Aaaaaahhhhhhh…! lalala… oooooiiiaaaaahhhh! BAM! WACHA!"_ I pretended that I had just kicked the person who was singing the lalala's like in the music video (that's why there was a bam! Wacha!)

I kept singing for a while, until the end, when I was finally at school, I finished with a finale by crashing into the principal's car. There were a few people outside staring at me. I stepped out of my car, but before I moved at all, I tripped and smashed my head into the ground and some shrapnel, probably giving me a concussion. Some guy helped me up.

"HI! IM MIKE NEWTON! YOU MUST BE ISABELLA SWAN, RIGHT! THIS IS SOOO COOL! DID I MENTION THAT MY NAME IS MIKE NEWTON! BUT YOU CAN CALL ME MICK-EEEEYYY! SINCE WE'RE ALREADY FRIENDS AND ALL! WOW! I'VE NEVER HAD A FRIEND BEFORE! THIS IS SO COOL! WE COULD, LIKE PAINT EACH OTHERS NAILS AND… AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!"

Towards the end of that, I lost my patience and shoved him into the flaming shrapnel that once was the principals car.

Some other guy came up to me, "Hey, I like your car, especially the colour, a shiny dark red truck." I looked at him funny, then at my car. "Wha? But it was silver before? Meh…" He soon joined Mike rolling around on the floor, screaming something along the lines of "MY SPINEEEEE! AAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!" It's not my fault, I'm not good with people.

I already liked this place :D

**SONGS: **

**The one off of youtube**- Tik Tok Ke$ha Parody by… (cant remember now and my internet is being stubborn, ill find out later… sorry)

**The second one in the car scene**- Shut me up by Mindless self indulgence (GOOD SONG)


	2. Schooltime

**NOTE: I know things don't happen in the exact order, but I only read the series once, and that was about 2 years ago, at least I'm trying!… yeah, I'll just move along with the story…**

I walked to the front office and up to the front desk. There was a jar of free minties on the desk. My blank expression was replaced with a sadistically happy grin, I proceeded to stuff the minties in my face, not bothering to unwrap them. Suddenly there were none left. Pissed off at the lack of minties, I chucked the jar against the wall, spraying the terrified onlookers with glass.

"YOU! HUMAN!" I screamed at a receptionist who was brave enough to stay at the desk while her colleagues cowered in the corners.

"SURRENDER YOUR MINTIES OR FACE THE WRATH OF BELLA!" I pointed and glared at her.

"S-sorry miss, there are none left, but we have your class schedule Miss… Swan?" She handed the schedule to me. "Okie dokie orange! Wait, that doesn't rhyme at all…." I proceeded to waste the next hour thinking of things that rhyme with orange "HEY! DESK LADY! DO YOU THINK DOOR HINGE RHYMES WITH ORANGE? I MEAN, LIKE, IF YOU SAY IT WITH LIKE A STRANGE ACCENT, LIKE AWRRANGE AND DAWRRANGGGE."

"Please just go to class, Miss Swan."

"Okie Awrrange dawrranggge!" I saluted her. The lady at the desk facepalmed.

I looked at the clock, only an hour late for class, that's a record! I ran to the classroom, falling over a total of forty eight times.

"I COUNTED TO FORTY! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF! Hey, wait… I've done that plenty of times…" I sat in the middle of the path, covered in bruises and blood from the many failed attempts at walking upright for more than two minutes and thought about the many times that I had counted to forty. Then I finally walked to class.

**AT CLASS (second lesson, she missed the first)**

"…WITH MY MIGHTY FISTS OF POWER! I SHALL RAIN DOOM DOWN UPON ALL OF YOUR DECREPIT HUMAN SOULS ! FOR I AM THE ULTIMATE BEING OF DESTRUCTION! WAHAHAHAHA!"

"I was waiting to see when you would shut up on your own, but it's been THREE hours, Bella… THREE HOURS! I ONLY ASKED YOUR NAME!" Mr Tillers screamed at me from his desk after my three hour long speech in front of the class, the bell had gone a loong time ago.

"Go sit down next to Mr. Cullen" He pointed to an empty seat next to a constipated looking hot guy.

"_Keep all of the weirdos in one corner"_ I heard him mumble as I walked to sit down next to Edward. Mr Tillers started lecturing, but I decided to try and make friends with this guy.

"Heeeyyyyyy Eddio? You okayyy? You look constipated, are you constipated?" I whispered to him, still probably saying it a little louder than necessary. He didn't respond. "Heh, don't worry, I get constipated ALL the time, like one time I like, ate six party sized pizzas, and MAN that did NOT make mah bowels happy." I shook my head slowly, starting to unearth painful memories. He just slowly edged away from me.

"You wanna borrow some of my constipation medicine? I keep it in my locker!" I grinned at him. He shook his head.

I raised my hand, waving it around. Mr Tillers stopped lecturing, sighed and said "Yes, Miss Swan?"

"Mr Tillers, can I get my constipation medicine from my locker for Eddie please? I think he's a little sick in the bowels if ya know what I mean." I winked at him as if I had just told him some kind of inside joke.

Everyone laughed. Edward Facepalmed.

"HEY! JUST 'COS EDDY AIN'T AFRAID OF TELLIN' THE WORLD ABOUT HIS BODILY FUNCTIONS!" I stood up on my chair and screamed at the class, my eye twitching. Everyone stopped laughing immediately. My hair was blowing in my face annoyingly hey, I was in front of a fan, hmm…

Edward simply said "This woman does not represent me in any way" and went back to his constipated face, looking worse than before, the air from the fan blowing in his face.

"Class dismissed" Mr Tillers mumbled, closing the book he was reading from.

**RECESS (kinda… let's just say that they have recess four hours into the day, more like lunch now…)**

I walked to the Cafeteria, Sandwiched between Mike Newton and some blonde called Jessica Stanley, or as she called herself 'Jessica Cullen'

"…So, like, O my Gawd, we'll have like twenty babies, and they'll be called Jessica, Jessie, Jess, Princess Jessica Cullen, Princess Jessica Cullen the second…" Guess who was saying that?

I went up to the serving area and ordered my food. "I WANT MY POTATO!" I screamed at the cafeteria lady.

"You have your potato, miss."

"I WANT MY POTATO!"

"YOU HAVE YOUR POTATO, MISS!"

"I WANT MY POTATO!"

"YOU HAVE YOUR POTATO, MISS!"

"I WANT MY POTATO!"

"YOU HAVE YOUR POTATO, MISS!"

"THIS ISN'T OVER, CAFETERIA HUMAN! YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW THE SWEET, LEMONY TASTE OF VICTORY! FOR I. AM. BELLA!"

After that small disagreement with the lunch lady we sat down at a table and started injecting food into our mouths like normal humans. "Soo… Who wants to have a beach par-tay at La Pull Next weekend?" Tyler asked everyone, half a hotdog in his mouth.

"No thanks, it's gonna be like five degrees next weekend. What's a La Pull anyway?" I replied, my mouth full of pie

"OMG BELLA! YOU'RE SO STRANGE! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LA PULL IS? IT'S A BEACH FILLED WITH RABID WOLF PEOPLE WEARING SHORT-SHORTS! WHO WOULDN'T WANNA GO THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER?" Jessica screamed at me.

"I'M NORMAL! I'M NORMAL! JUST LOOK AT MY NECK!" I screamed, spraying everyone with pie while pointing at my neck and smiling.

"Well, it's true… she **does** have a neck…" Tyler said. Eric opened his mouth to say something, filling the room with the foul stench of his insides. Jessica leaned over and poked under his chin, closing his mouth for him.

"Ok, I'll come… AS LONG AS I CAN BRING MA BEST BUD... EDDY!" I agreed, smiling.

"Well, if you wanna ask Cullen, good luck, he's rejected every girl **and** every gay guy in the school… and Mike… cos I just don't know what to classify him as anymore… Oh! he'll be coming in in about 2 seconds" Tyler said, looking at his watch.

Two seconds later. The Cullens came.


	3. That's why the snapping turtles are fat!

**A.N: This is mainly a filler chapter sorry, I'm working more on my other ffic atm, so… yeah… please bear with me.**

"Hey, you! over there… that Jessica Chick!" I pointed at Jessica and yelled.

"Yes, Bella?" Jessica answered.

"Why are they walking in slow motion?" I asked, looking at the Cullens.

"'Cos they're awesome like that!" Was her very logical reply.

The first two to walk in were called Emmett and Rosalie (according to a hyperventilating Jessica.) The one called Rosalie was, well… a slut. I saw every guy in the cafeteria looking at her the same way the audience looks at the food in ready steady cook*. **(Don't blame you if you're confused, you don't wanna know what I mean…)** The guy, Emmett, was, I swear, a hobbit, he wasn't wearing shoes and his feet were REALLY big and REALLY hairy…

There was a kid at the door, holding it open for them, a fan was stuck to the door, causing the blondes hair to dramatically blow out behind her, and the guys, erm… foot hair was dramatically fluttering in the breeze too. Eww… but half of the girls in the cafeteria swooned at the sight of him.

The janitor came in with a wheelbarrow labelled 'snapping turtle food' and piled the delirious fangirls/ gay fanboys into the wheelbarrow, including some guys who saw Rosalie.

When they reached the door, they stopped walking, dramatically posed, the blonde did a hair flick and got her hair stuck in the fan, she started screaming and trying to yank it out of the fan, not to succeed though…

The next two to walk in were apparently called Alice and Jasper, Alice was a midget who looked like she'd had a few too many energy drinks, she was hyperventilating and bouncing up and down while somehow looking like she was daydreaming. Jasper had curly blonde hair and was wearing a cowboy costume, he looked more constipated than Eddy, maybe it runs in the family… HE COULD BORROW SOME OF MY MEDICINE TOO! The fan was still on, and it still had a shrieking Rosalie stuck to it via her hair.

Then Eddy walked in, in even slower motion than the others, he smiled suggestively at half of the canteen, who swooned (including Mike.)Edward sat down.

"HEY! EDDY!" I yelled from across the canteen. Eddy ignored me. "HEY! HEY! EDDY! HEY! EEEDDDDYYYYYYYYY….!" I continued yelling and waving my arms in the air.

"EEEEEEEDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"HEY! HEY! HEY! EDDY!"

"OH !"

Then the hometime bell rang, in the middle of lunch for some reason. (Well they were about 3 hours or so behind schedule.)

***EXAMPLE OF READY STEADY COOK:**

**Commentator: "…And it looks like it's a CAPSICUM!" *Holds up capsicum dramatically***

***Entire audience swoons/ orgasms at capsicum***


	4. JOAITFTGKO

**AGAIN, MORE SONGS! YAY! ALL OF THESE I LISTEN TO WHILE WRITING THIS, SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY MY STORIES ARE SO INSANE.**

**FILLER CHAPTER! YAYS!**

**3****RD ****PERSON POV**

"Soo… why exactly are we hiding in a dumpster?" Tyler asked the two others.

"We're not hiding, we're scheming on how to get that hot Bella chick away from that hot Cullen guy…" Mike replied. Squatting on top of what was left of the snapping turtle food.

"Why don't we just kill him?" Asked Jace Only-appearing-in-this-fanfic-to-get-killed-off, or as his friends called him- J.O.A.I.T.F.T.G.K.O.

"Hmm… BRAINBLAST!" Mike yelled, suddenly standing up to do a dramatic pose, only to bash his head on the lid of the dumpster, (possibly giving him brain damage.) "Whhhaaiii dowwnnttt wweeeehhhh hhit 'imm wwiffff Tylerss vannnNN?" He continued. (Make that definitely giving him brain damage.)

"INGENIOUS! I SHALL CARRY OUT YOUR WILL, MY MUFFIN LORD!" Tyler screamed and jumped out of the dumpster, heading for his van. (Mike started the 'Order of the Bran Muffin,' it has 3 members so far.)

**BELLA POV**

I was skipping out of the school gate with an annoyingly catchy song stuck in my head.

"_A is for Amber who drowned in a pool!_

_B is for Billy who was eaten by ghouls!_

_C if for Curt with disease of the brain!_

_D is for Daniel, Derailed on a train!_

_E is for Eric who was buried alive!_

_F is for Frank, who was stabbed through the eye!_

_G is for Greg, who died in the womb!_

_H is for Heather, was sealed in a tomb!_

_One by one, we bite the dust ,we kick the bucket and begin to rust. Give up the ghost when your number's up_

_We all fall down_

_Ashes to ashes, bones to paste, you wither away in your resting place, eternity in a wooden case…_

_We all fall down…"_

It was about then that I suddenly realised that I was singing out loud, everyone was staring at me, Eddy was standing next to me, looking constipated again.

_AAAAaaaannnnnnnddddd….._

There was a van heading towards us.

"GASP!" Eddy gasped

"GASP!" J.O.A.I.T.F.T.G.K.O. gasped

"GASP!" Jessica gasped

"PSAG!" Mike gasped

"Mah no Luigi!" I yelled

**!SLOW MOTION SCENE! (Imagine everyone's voice is in slow motion too.)**

"EEEEEEEDDDDDDDYYYYY! SSSAAAAAVVVEEE MEEEEEEEEE! (Eddy save me!)" I ran towards Eddy in slow motion, my voice deep in that comical slow motion way.

"HHOOOOOOLLLLLLYYYYY SHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTT! IIIITTTTSSSSSS ABBOOUTTT TTTOOO HIIIITTT THHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSE TWOOOO HAAAAWWTTTT CHHHIIICCCKKKSSSS!(Holy shit! It's about to hit those two hawt chicks!)" Some random yelled.

"IIIMMMMM NNOOOT AA CCHHHIIIIICCCKKKK! (I'm not a chick!)" Eddy yelled at them. Wow, the van was taking it's time hitting us. But it still hit us…

The van didn't even affect Eddy in any way, he just stood there, the van split in two around him on impact. One half of the van (the half with Tyler still inside) veered towards what was left of the principal's car, while the other half spontaneously combusted.

I turned towards him, "Wooow… how did you do that?"

He took a comb out of his pocket and combed his hair. "I'm a Weet-bix kid.*"

***Australians will get that, if you don't get it, Google, bitch! Google! (Or Youtube it, whatever takes your fancy.)**

**Song: A Gorey demise- Creature feature**


	5. The hospital

**Ok, I have given up on trying to remember the order of events, so yeah… you've been warned.**

**BELLA POV**

"Bellsywellsy doodlecakes! I was so worried!" Charlie burst into the hospital.

"Dad, why do you call me Bellsywellsy doodlecakes?" I looked at him, disgusted. "What is a doodlecake anyway? It sounds dirty." Charlie laughed and ruffled my hair. "You could at least change it to something like, I dunno… noodlecakes? No, that doesn't sound quite right either."

"Ah, Mr. Swan!" The hot blonde doctor walked in (No, he was a guy, but he did have man-boobs) "So, Bella has not lost any blood, but I would still be careful, she did swallow a lot of motor oil." He said, looking down at his notes.

"That was prior to the incident." I informed him

"Awkward turtle…" Said Charlie, making the matching hand movement.

"Dad, it's not awkward…"

"Yes it is! It's only got two legs! Look!" He made the hand movement again.

"Anywhoo! It was good that Eddy-Weddy Bumpkins was there to save me!" I grinned at Dr. Carlisle.

"Yes, it was." He looked up, through a convenient window, where Eddy was staring at me. Angsting so much that it looked painful.

"OMIGOSH! I'm finally rubbing off on you, Bellsy-Wellsy Bumpkin pie! You should come down to La-Whatsit to fish with me and the boys! It'll be like a father-daughter bonding trip!" Charlie slapped me on the back so hard that I nearly fell out of the hospital bed. Then I puked motor oil all over Charlie's police uniform.

**Ok, short, I know. A filler chapter, I know. But hey! I was depressed at my lack of updates, and I actually spent some time on this. Quality over quantity, right? *Laughs nervously as angry mob closes in.***

**And also, I have noticed a few spelling errors etc. in earlier chaps, when I feel like it, I will fix them.**


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